The Shape of Whatever (Not a Post About Ed Sheeran)

Chapter I – What the Actual F*CK

I’ve been dreading this moment for months. One of my New Year’s Resolutions is to watch all best picture nominations before the Oscars, partly because I want to, and partly because my Resolution duties will be over by March 4th. One would think that watching a movie is not a large undertaking, and usually it is not. However, there are a few movie genres I cannot tolerate. On-screen musicals (La-La Land) make my ass twitch and anything related to “fantasy” makes me nauseous. But, I have had a few cocktails and I am ready to watch The Shape of Water. I didn’t even know that water in its liquid form can take shape, but what the hell do I know?

I truly don’t even know what this movie is about. The only thing I know is that the main character has relations with an amphibious looking creature that was probably the aftermath of whatever the hell Monsanto did to the environment. I thought this was adapted from a children’s book but the only family I know who would expose children to this is probably The Duggar Family. I can’t believe this shit is two hours long. Pray for me.

So far, water is the centerpiece of this movie – shocking. It’s making me feel suffocated. There’s also a naked lady in a bath touching herself. I bet my boyfriend regrets refusing to watch this with me now. I’m also unsure of the time period, but judging by Shirley Temple on the television and the dingy ass buildings, I’m going to guess mid-20th century. Unfortunately, the main character, portrayed by Sally Hawkins, is now tap dancing in the hallway. I have a premonition this is going to turn into an on-screen musical at one point or another because I haven’t suffered enough in this lifetime. Regardless, I am one flap heel turn from setting my laptop on fire.

*Disclaimer: I had to Google “tap dance moves” to come up with that little phrase*

I was starting to doze off, but then I noticed that a man waiting at a bus stop next to our heroine is carrying a loose cake. There is no cover on it or anything. This reminds me of the Easter baskets my grandma ships to me annually. It never fails to shock me that each year the box is filled with loose candy. She takes the time to unwrap the individual chocolates, pours jelly beans directly into the box, and sends it to me via UPS. Anyway, I digress…

Real footage

I’m glad to see Octavia Spencer in this. She’s making me feel better about myself at work because I talk all day to anyone who will listen, disinterested or not. I’m wondering when Sally Hawkins is going to encounter her future lover. I keep seeing way too much tap dancing and it’s making me uncomfortable. This movie should actually be called Tap-Dancing with a Side of Hardboiled Eggs. This chick loves hardboiled eggs. I bet the director intentionally chose the hardboiled opportunity, because a cracked egg in a pan does not require water. I never fail to amaze myself with my astute observations.

I must have gotten distracted by the sheer depth of my mind because now I’m witnessing some old disgusting man intimidating Octavia and Sally in a bathroom. He whips it out and starts peeing in a “urinal,” whatever the hell that is, and refuses to wash his hands, because that is apparently a sign of weakness. Okay, Dwight Schrute.  Octavia makes a very good point when she says, “Short men are mean.” The classic Napoleonic complex. I know a few of those.

For your reference and education

Anyway, I think we’re finally getting somewhere. I got distracted but the dude who wouldn’t wash his hands suddenly is down two fingers and there is blood everywhere. Sally jumps at the chance to tend to the mess so she can finally be alone in the room with the overgrown Pokémon. She approaches the fish tank in which he is trapped and they share a brief touch through the glass. It’s like the PG version of Blink 182’s “Feeling This” music video. To my dismay, this forbidden touch piques Sally’s hot curiosity and she swiftly resorts to binge eating to mitigate this insatiable desire to lay with a lizard. 

For your viewing pleasure

It's ironic because they're not actually feeling each other 

Chapter II – Star-Crossed Lovers

 Ah, yes. The return of the hardboiled egg. Sally is back at the indoor SeaW*rld to summon Sméagol with her hardboiled eggs. They make eye contact as she seductively nibbles on her treat. At this point, we have gained insight into Sally’s upbringing. She was sadly abandoned at birth and appears to have scars on her neck. Honestly, I think they are gills. This is obviously some sort of foreshadowing into her future as a sea creature. Talk about Twilight vibes. Girl becomes lover is the new life imitates art.

The fingerless man suddenly reappears, prompting Sally’s departure from her new jail-bait. This dude is going on and on traveling to South America to retrieve Squidward because of its ability to breathe both on land and on sea, which is apparently vital for space travel. I’m pleased to announce that this movie is set during the Cold War. I’m also happy to reference the first paragraph where I shrewdly guessed the time period. This movie is going in way too many different directions and I’m a too many cocktails deep to follow. I’m just done with the hardboiled eggs. That is top 10 most disgusting items one can ingest. To make matters worse, I am now witnessing our protagonist dancing for the reptilian humanoid whilst eating a hardboiled egg. What a cute distraction from the fact that the lizard is a pawn in the Space Race.

I’m beginning to lose steam here. Writing a live reaction is no small task! I’d love to keep rambling, but Sally has successfully freed Rango and the thing is now living in her bathtub, the place she pleasures herself each and every morning. While there were minimal human fatalities during this escape, I am sad to say that Geico Gecko’s older brother ate her cat. Well, I guess there’s nothing that wrong with fewer cats in the world. 

Chapter III – Blatant Bestiality

The moment we’re all scared to say we’re waiting for. The co-star of Alien vs. Predator is standing up in the bathtub and doesn’t appear to have a member. Nevertheless, Sally disrobes in front of him and the rest could end up as a headline on The Daily Mail in one of the bestiality reports. The following day, Octavia notices Sally’s unusually giddy behavior that one typically experiences after engaging in a game of naked Twister. Octavia is not hesitant to ask about what’s on all of our minds: the penis. Apparently, the lizard has an ability to reveal his schlong when needed.  Sally is truly unashamed by her actions. She even smiles when her roommate walks in on them in the throes of love.   

I have officially lost interest. I am more invested whilst watching infomercials. Oh, and she is now singing as the movie transitions into a daydream where she is ballroom dancing with Gollum. And for that reason, I’m out. This is some twisted Beauty and the Beast shit.

By the way, I was right about the gills. You may call me Roger Ebert.