A Series of Unfortunate Events — Cosmos With Casey

Hello to the six people I force to read this. I’m watching RHONY, of course, to unwind from this awful week. It’s only Tuesday but it feels like the 7th dimension of Hell. Even though I’ve seen this particular episode 12 times, I am still taken aback each and every time my old therapist appears on the screen. Yes, I share a therapist with Tinsley Mortimer. The first time I saw the episode I had my plush sleeping mask on and was listening the show whilst falling asleep. I heard a familiar voice and thought I was dreaming. I took off my sleeping mask and revealed the Truth. I texted him and his response did not disappoint.

Anyway, this morning I watched Vanderpump Rules. I’ve been staring at my computer screen for 20 minutes because I am actually speechless. If delusion were currency, one of the cast members could certainly retire and live a luxurious life. I’m not very pro trashing people on reality T.V. after listening to Olivia Caridi on Stassi’s podcast because the producers can cut people to make them seem crazy. The jury is out in the case, but I would like to give some unsolicited advice: if your man doesn’t say, “I love you,” neither should you. I didn’t even text my boyfriend first for the first five months I knew him. It’s called Attract Tactics,™ladies. As a side note, while I was typing this my mother called me to discuss the same scene I described above. She told me she had to fast forward because it was too painful to watch.

Speaking of the phrase, “I love you,” I also have a lot of thoughts on “The Bachelor.” I’ve been forced to watch the show once or twice by my friends in college, but today I elected to watch the finale on my own. I had heard stories, but wow, what a ride. This guy Arie (a less hot version of Zach Braff) is an idiot. Did he learn NOTHING from Ben Higgins? If the other chick takes him back I have nothing to say. I don’t want to waste any more time on this. I simply am at a loss.

This has been a rough week for me. The Shape of Whatever won Best Picture. I lost the only competition I’d ever thought I’d win. I studied, I analyzed, I criticized all for nothing. After holding a steady first place for the majority of the evening, I lost the Oscar pool.

I knew Get Out only had a small chance of winning, but I had to vote with my heart. The Shape of Shit is an embarrassment. I would like to curse The Academy. I haven't felt such loss since The Office went off the air.

I'm never competing in anything ever again

Thank the lord I ordered two bottles of wine to watch this shitshow because I needed Madame's Medicine as soon as that god awful movie was announced. I'd like to think that the Acadummy saw my scathing review about its Best Winner and did this just to spite me.

It's not about the money. It's about the Truth.

To make matters worse, my braindead ass went to get coffee and I left my bag at a table right outside of the shop. I went back to retrieve it a few hours later and of course it was gone. I lost not one, but two, external chargers and a Balenciaga bag. A moment of silence, please. I can't even write anymore. I'm so distraught. Feel free to Venmo me to replace my belongings. I saw that hundreds of people Venmoed the girl who got dumped by the bachelor on national TV, so figured I'd try my luck here. I'll drink to that.

Also, if anyone knows what's wrong with my eye please let me know. I'm getting worried.

At least my eyelashes look full and boyish

Bye.