BravoCon - My First Olympic Feat (Part 1 of 3)

I interrupt my silence on this blog to walk you through the greatest three days of my life. This is probably the only event for which I’d skip all meals (including two dinner reservations) because the thought of leaving the BravoCon venues and potentially missing a Bravoleb sighting sated my hunger. Before I walk through the day by day details, I wanted to outline my high-level thoughts / background information:

1. BravoCon was split into three venues: Union West, Skylight Modern and The Manhattan Center, home to both The Hammerstein Ballroom and Grand Ballroom. Events transpired all day at different locations and we were often forced to forgo particular photo ops and panels in order to see something else. I knew this going in, so I obviously spent upwards of 40 hours force ranking what I found most valuable. Luckily, my mom and I reserved a hotel room near The Manhattan Center; however, getting to Union West / Skylight modern was a massive struggle if we couldn’t find a cab. Completing a one mile walk in 20 degree weather in Jimmy Choos is not something I had wished for myself, but knowing that Teddi Mellencamp and Kyle Richards were waiting for me on the other end made the pain magically subside.

2. For the most part, the Bravolebs are genuinely kind and down to earth. Outside of the designated panels, we’d frequently run into various cast members at each of the BravoCon venues. Bravoleb random run-ins included: Tom Schwartz, Tom Sandoval, Ariana Madix, Dorinda Medley (who wasn’t wearing makeup and looked absolutely fabulous), Kyle Cooke, Carl Radke, Braunwyn Windham-Burke’s husband, and, the absolute MVP of BravoCon, Craig Conover.

3. I am incredibly lucky that I was able to get a General Admission ticket considering it sold out in less than one minute. However, SVIP / VIP is definitely the way to go. Shorter lines for pictures and better seats at panels. That said, my mom and I were able to get amazing seats at certain events by buttering up security. In terms of securing photos at designated photo ops, I had to ensure I was at the front of the GA line each time. This takes both skill and endurance. The photo ops began after each panel concluded; however, viewers could only line up for a picture after the panel ended. This created mass chaos as elbows were flying and middle aged women were toppling over one another to reach the line. I had to strategically find the optimal spot in the audience and compute the distance to the line while eyeing security guards to find the correct moment to dart from my seat to the line at the exact time the panel ended. I honestly could be a physicist after this.

4. Don’t plan on eating. When we first arrived at BravoCon on Friday at 10:00am, we were displeased to see the only food options were clam chowder and an odd twist on Mac and Cheese. It is unclear what the rationale was here. This was probably the only “Fyre-Fest” motif I found through the weekend. Because the schedule was not released until the week prior and nearly all of the details were kept secret, many of us were concerned this whole event would be a flop.

5. Aside from living my best life amongst Hollywood’s finest all weekend, I feel like I made lifelong friends. It’s very comforting being in a place with thousands of people who share a common interest. Most people in my life don’t understand it quite like the people I met at BravoCon. I should probably invite them all to my wedding.

Shout out to Shelley (I have no clue how to make this photo smaller but here ya go)

But if you like my dress it is: Dress the Population Lolita Sequin Mini Dress (unfortunately, this is not a paid ad but I looked great it in mostly thanks to the Spanx)

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Friday - Day 1:

As soon as we dropped our bags at the hotel we headed to our first event - a photo op with Kyle Richards and Teddie Mellencamp. At the same time, we had to forgo an OG Housewives Panel, which was set to include Adrienne Maloof, Caroline Manzo, Jeana Keough, Jill Zarin and Kim Zolciak-Biermann. I concluded that this event would be incredibly popular so I chose to get a photo with some of the ladies from RHOBH. It’s important to note that Friday was the least crowded day of the event by far. Only ticket holders with a three day pass were able to attend - one day passes were available for Saturday and Sunday only. We arrived at the photo op right at 10:30 and the line was very short. Teddi and Kyle got stuck in traffic and were 20 minutes late (nobody tell Dorit that Teddi was late), but we were able to get a bunch of pictures. While we were waiting in line, Ariana Madix casually walked by. I was starting to feel that I would not be disappointed by BravoCon after all. I was relieved this would not be the next Fyre Fest.

Anyway, my mom and I got a few group shots and some solo shots, which is something the other photo shoots would not allow (they got crazier and stricter). As soon as we got up to take our photo, my mom said, “So, Kyle. How many people so far have said it to you?” Kyle responded, “Goodbye, Kyle? Almost everyone” and we burst out laughing. They were both super sweet.

Shout out to Teddi for wearing high heels whilst pregnant

After the photo, we made our way to the Bravo Bazaar, which was attached to Union West (the location of the photo op). The first people we see are Kyle Cooke and Carl Radke from Summer House. They had a stand where they were selling Lover Boy, a sparkling hard tea with zero sugar. My mom did not hesitate to run up to Carl and exclaim, “I always liked you. You’re very nice to your mother!” She went on about how nice Carl is in front of Kyle for about five minutes until Carl finally said, “Kyle is nice to his mother too, they just don’t show it on the show as much.” My mom looked at Kyle and replied, “Well that may be true but she was mad at you on the show.” (My mom was referring to when Kyle cheated on Amanda and his mom was pissed). I’m sure you can imagine how embarrassed I was in this moment - mainly because it was 11:15 am and the bar wasn’t opening until noon.

At first, my mom didn’t realize they were wearing shirts to market their product. She whispered to me, “I don’t get the shirt. I don’t think people would buy that, like, could you see Cooper wearing that?” When she realized it was for marketing purposes she was okay with it. She was not a fan of the tea. I thought it was pretty good - I had the peach flavor. For zero sugar, 10/10 would drink again.

After parting ways with the lover boys, we headed over to The Grand Ballroom for a Southern Charm panel. When the moderator asked if any of them had hooked up with another Bravoleb, Kathryn, Shep, Austen and Craig all raised their hands. Apparently they hooked up with people from the cast of Summer House but they wouldn’t name names, unfortunately. After this panel, there were two separate lines for pictures and the audience is not sure which cast members would be on which side. I desperately wanted Kathryn, but I luckily ended up with Craig, Cam and Shep.

I look great here, honestly

Luckily for me, this wouldn’t be the last time I would encounter the Southern Charm cast as I purchased tickets to a semi-private Southern Charm brunch for Saturday. This would be the highlight of the weekend.

Because it’s so freaking cold in NYC right now, we decided to skip the Million Dollar Listing panel at a different venue and stayed for my new obsession, Below Deck. I started watching Below Deck and Below Deck Med about a month before BravoCon (shout out to @annefederico and @s_bleier for the rec) and sailed through all 11 seasons super quickly. It is Bravo’s most underrated show. The panel included Captain Lee, Captain Sandy, Colin Macy-O’Toole, Joao Franco, and Kate Chastain. A few things:

1. Colin brought his mom, Robin, as his plus one and he is so sweet

2. Captain Sandy said if she could poach anyone from Captain Lee’s boat it would be Kate

3. Essentially everyone loathes Hannah and Sandy said she wouldn’t work with her again

4. It was Captain Lee’s 70th birthday and we sang to him

5. Joao is a captain now but would still work as a boatswain with Sandy (so hopefully he will be on the show again)

6. Kate and Hannah are not friends (she also revealed this on WWHL a few weeks ago) because a producer told her that Hannah was talking shit

Similar to the photo op after the Southern Charm panel, we were not sure which cast members would be on what side. I was praying for Kate and Captain Lee, but I was fortunate to snag a photo with Sandy, Joao, and Colin.

After the Below Deck photo op, my mom and I sat our asses down really close to the front as we waited for the RHONY panel. Luckily we were already at the venue RHONY would be in, because a lot of people were turned away at the door after the Grand Ballroom reached max capacity. The panel included Dorinda, Luann, Ramona and Tinsley. We’d learn at WWHL later that evening that Leah McSweeney would join the cast for the 12th season, but that was technically not revealed at this point (even though she was seen filming with Tinsley in August). The panel was hilarious. They are truly the same in person as on TV. They basically just screamed at Ramona the entire time. Ramona also redid her infamous Ramona Runway Walk from nearly 10 years ago. I also think she called herself an iconic pop icon? Not not true…

Tinsley announced she was back with Scott and everyone booed. I felt bad for her. I mean I obviously booed too. She is very nice to fans though, and, unlike Ramona, actually likes when fans approach her for pictures because she is truly grateful. There were rumors floating around a few months ago that Tinsley quit the show and moved to Chicago to be with Scott, but I still believe she is filming.

After this panel, Tinsley, Lu, and Dorinda were scheduled for a photo op (of course Ramona refused to be included). I didn’t have the best luck choosing photo op lines today. Dorinda and Lu were on one side and I was on the side with Tinsley. Oh well. She’s no Dorinda but it’s cool. Luckily, I was first in line because apparently they were only at the photo shoot for ~20 minutes before leaving.

I honestly don’t look good here

By this point it was ~7:00pm and my mom and I already missed our dinner reservation (sorry mom). We headed back to the hotel to change for WWHL and managed to get a quick bite at the hotel bar (this is where we met our new friend Shelley who is pictured above). I, of course, was in a massive hurry because WWHL didn’t have assigned seats so it was pure anarchy. The line was probably 5 blocks long and i was 10 roses and 1 tequila in so I was being a massive brat (sorry mom). Anyway, I find it hard to believe anyone read this entire post so i’ll write more about WWHL / day 2 later. The best part of WWHL was when I snuck down to VIP, ran to the stage, and Kim Richards held my hand. It was too pure of a moment to capture a photo but I said, “Kim, I love you so much. you are an icon” and she grabbed my hand and replied, “thank you so much sweetie.” I’ll never be the same.

Ta ta for now!

I did not proof read this so don’t judge me.

A Moment of Clarity

Hey freaks, I’m back. Thank god I remembered my password to this thing because it’s been a while. I’ve been preoccupied with my day job and this phone game called Toon Blast, but I’ve temporarily put those both aside to share some thoughts. This evening I decided to skip Barry’s Bootcamp and sneak out of work to see Rocketman. I was a bit hesitant to see it because I truly believe it is a bad omen to make a movie about someone who is still alive, but whatever. I didn’t watch any trailers so I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I was hoping it was something along the lines of (and don’t hate me for saying this) Bohemian Rhapsody.

Most people know that I hate on-screen musicals. The only one i’ve ever liked was Across the Universe. I don’t know why I liked that one over the rest. I just did. I’ve never entertained the thought of watching High School Musical. I’ve never even seen Grease the whole way through. I do love a good Broadway show and I’ve seen quite a few; however, on-screen musicals make my ass twitch. As a side note, I do not classify Bohemian Rhapsody as an on-screen musical because it wasn’t riddled with vibes of synchronized swimming choreography and the on-screen songs were performed in a recording studio / concert setting. Rocketman, on the other hand, took what could have been an educational testament to Elton John’s music and life and turned it into a distracting piece where literally every character breaks out randomly in song at one point or another.

Don’t get me wrong, there were certainly superior elements. When Elton John plays Your Song for the first time after reading Bernie’s lyrics, his brilliance and talent is palpable. But nothing gold can stay. As soon as the on-screen onlookers began chiming in with a verse here and there, my goosebumps vanished. This is no longer a bio-pic. It was trying too hard to not be Bohemian Rhapsody while borrowing all the wrong fantastical elements from Across the Universe.

I don’t want to bore you all with the details, but I had to get this off of my chest. I thought the people of Twitter would agree with me on this, but a quick search for “Rocketman” proved otherwise. The people are dropping panties for this movie. Elton john’s life and upbringing and struggles and torment and success are more than enough to create a captivating movie. Why’d they have to throw in some frilly dance moves and a kid at the bottom of the pool playing the piano while wearing a Sandy Cheeks fishbowl to breathe underwater?

Overall, I’d recommend seeing the movie. The acting is fantastic and I want to support Taron Egerton’s rise to fame. He deserves it. I suppose the film was intentionally distracting. I’m no film critic, nor am I very insightful, but maybe every now and then art imitates life. Elton John didn’t need to wow crowds with his iconic looks. He could have worn a t-shirt on stage and still sell out every show, but he didn’t, and we love him more for it. This film truly did not need to incorporate campy musical elements, but it did. Maybe that was the whole point. Now that I think about it, I only looked at my phone once. Did I actually like it?

And finally, I want to say a big f*** you to the director of Bohemian Rhapsody and to EJ’s parents.

Crazy Days and Nights

Greetings. When I started this blog I agreed to pay a monthly cost to keep it alive because I thought I would post regularly. Unfortunately, when I have any free time, I’m watching TV with no desire to look at a computer screen or I’m trying to find a good cosmo. Because I’m feeling so generous, and I know everyone is desperate to read to my posts, I’ve decided to write a little something special. Over the past few months I have revealed to some people that I read blind gossip. It’s more of an obsession than a hobby. It’s like a weird cult and the author of the site is my lord and savior. The website is www.crazydaysandnights.net and was started by an entertainment lawyer living in West Hollywood. His pen name is Enty, and his real name is known by maybe 20 people. 

For better or for worse, I believe every single thing I read on that website. I’ve seen too many of his predictions come true to ignore it. Remember how shit hit the fan with Tesla? Please refer to the image on the left and below. 

There are many things I’ve discovered through this website, but I want to boil down my favorites. I am too scared to go into too much detail on any of these, but please feel free to text me for more information on my findings. 

The first involves Anthony Bourdain. Right after Anthony Bourdain committed suicide, Enty posted about this being a potential murder.

Asia Argento / Anthony Bourdain

All we know for a fact is that there was no autopsy. Again, I would prefer not to go into too much detail, but there’s also this: 

Asia Argento?

Anyway, if you Google “Anthony Bourdain Murdered,” you’ll find some recent articles that point to this being true.

https://hollywoodlife.com/2018/09/24/asia-argento-reveals-people-thinks-she-murdered-anthony-bourdain-daily-mail-interview-video/

The most troubling Enty thread I’ve come across is that of Dan Schneider. When I first heard the name, it sounded vaguely familiar, but it wasn’t until I Googled it that I realized who it was. DS is, in fact, the creator of all of my favorite childhood TV shows, including Zoey 101. Remember when Jamie Lynn got pregnant? 

Yes, you read correctly. Dan impregnated JLS and Zoey 101 was cancelled. Jamie Lynn quit acting and couldn’t come forward about this pervert because of his power. Also, her parents may or may not be involved with the cover up. Maybe because they were paid off. That seems to be the most likely reason.

He also created The Amanda Show. We all know how the star turned out. In fact, DS has been involved with Ariana Grande, Demi Lovato, and Selena Gomez all of whom may or may be in dangerous positions. 

DS was fired from Nickelodeon earlier this year, but there was no mention of his pedophilia. It blows my mind that he has not be charged with any crime. 

And, let us not forget about the children’s SNL. The show that inspired a comedic in us all. The show that actually paved the way for some to end up on SNL. Yes, that show is All That. A staple in most childhood homes.

You can read more about DS and his abuse and subsequent firing (apparently unrelated to said abuse) here:

https://deadline.com/2018/03/nickelodeon-tv-series-producer-dan-schneider-part-ways-1202353698/

https://threadreaderapp.com/thread/978403425758171137.html

I don’t know how to hyperlink on this stupid website.

Anyway, I subscribed to Enty’s podcast and I have about 15 episodes to get through. I’ll see what I can report back. Until then, i’ll leave these here:

Kim K?

Could it be The Countess?!

Woof. Well, after that article was published where Pete told Ariana she’s hot to comfort her for being touched by that creepy priest, maybe it’s time to call it

Dear god

Well, who knows what’s true and what’s not (aside from the proven ones). But this is the only hobby I have and I love it. Also, I live in San Fran and have nothing better to do. Such is life. If anyone finds themselves in this pit, hit me up. Looking for friends.

Bye, freaks.

Southern Trash, etc.

** Please note: I wrote the below literal months ago and i now have the mental capacity to finish and post. The writing below about any and all reality TV is outdated, but whatever. I paid $144 for this website and I can write what I want. So, enjoy what I have been working on for the past few months. I've written tid bits here and there, and I am willing to bet that none of it makes any sense.

Hello cruel world. What a wild few weeks it has been. By wild I mean I spent two straight weeks in my office working. Such is life. But I have returned. 

I wrote the above sentence on May 13th and then got distracted. I am here now to finish what I started. I honestly don’t care to discuss anything that happened in the past month since I last posted on this stupid page except for last week’s episode of Southern Charm. 

Sit on a broomstick

Shove an umbrella up your butt and open it

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I just want to lay down a few facts / tid-bits for everyone.

As you may have noticed on social media, Patricia is officially team Kathryn. If you want the full story, just Google it or something. I'll provide some highlights below:

-      Thomas told Patricia he wanted a more refined woman because Ashley wasn’t up to snuff

-      Patricia sets Thomas up with an initially hesitant Luzanne Otte

-      They went on a few dates, Thomas got drunk and started accusing his new love interest of banging the neighbor (Otte did not know the neighbor)

-      TRav also told Otte he wished Kathryn would die from a drug overdose and is upset she keeps passing her drug tests

-      Trashley get back together and start harassing this poor woman

-      The website “All About the Tea” is Ashley’s friend trying to slander Kathryn so don’t pay attention to it

-      Ashley is still dating a man who has raped multiple woman, by the way

-      If Shep, the personified Switzerland, says he hates someone, that’s when you know they suck

-     I almost miss Landon at this point

- On Monday, June 25th, Ashely posted the following to Twitter:

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Idk if I posted these in the correct order or if I repeated the same photos, but whatever.

I can't assemble the aforementioned tweets in a cohesive manner. In summary, Ashley is trying to accuse the lady who was raped by Trav of harassing her. Andy said the reunion was going to be lit because of Ashley so I truly cannot wait.

Anyway, I haven't written in a while because I'm so busy. I don't even have time to sleep. This blog sucks and so does this blog post. But I am doing this for myself because I need a purpose. Aside from Southern Charm, I will reveal below some celeb gossip in case you don't read the blind items:

1. Anthony Bourdain may not have killed himself. His girlfriend at the time of his death was one of the first to come out and accuse Harvey Weinstein.

2. Ellen Pompeo and Jesse William from Grey's Anatomy may be having an affair 

3. That dude who created all the Nickelodeon shows we love (The Amanda Show, All That, etc.) is the reason why Zoey 101 was cancelled. (Remember when she got pregnant).

Please visit www.crazydaysandnights.net for more information.

Well, Cooper is at a work event right now in Vegas at our favorite hotel and I'm sitting here doing nothing. So that's great. Also, if you have some time, I recommend watching "The Staircase" on Netflix. This shit is crazy. Please watch and let me know your thoughts. I promise to write a better blogpost next time. 

Bye, freaks.

Cameo by Mr. Cooper

Greetings. After 2.5 years of Cooper asking me "would you rather" / hypothetical questions every day of my life, I decided to turn the tables. We were in the middle of shooting this video on my PhotoBooth but Cooper's older brother and sister-in-law (who flew in from Chicago to surprise him on his birthday!) buzzed into my apartment so we had to do two separate videos and then I couldn't figure out how to merge them. I used this technology called Filmora to combine the videos and now I can't get rid of the stupid Filmora symbol in my video. I don't need a mouse to use excel, but I cannot edit a simple video. Hit me up if you know how to do this in case I need this knowledge in the future. I thought I knew how with iMovie but I can't find it on my computer for some reason. Anyway, I hope the six of you who follow my blog enjoy the clip. 

Happy 25th, Cooper! You are my love. 

Special shoutout to Devon Fownes (@fevondownes), Jennie Kaplan (@jennie_from_dablock), and Chris Ragsdale (@rags_official) who are all very near and dear to my heart. I am sorry I could not make it to any of your celebrations this weekend. 

The Real Charm of an Aspiring Housewife

**I started writing this on my birthday and then I got distracted by life and forgot to keep writing until now so please stay tuned for the past month of my life** 

My 2*th birthday was a few weeks ago on April 6th. It also happened to be the last day of my job. Unfortunately, I do have a new job. I have not yet achieved Housewife status. Only time will tell. 

What a time to be alive. Also, what a time to start preventative Botox. I spent the weekend in LA, because I couldn't entertain the thought of remaining in San Fran. Although, the night before my birthday I did go to International Smoke (Ayesha Curry's new restaurant) and Steph walked in! Too bad I wasn't in my Davidson gear. Too bad I don't even own any Davidson gear. 

We had a lovely brunch at some restaurant. I can't remember the name, but Lauren Bushnell was there so it must be legit. She is my new thinspiration. She is skinny af. It's a restaurant at the hotel where Bungalow is. I don't know. Whatever. They had a lovely pineapple cocktail drink (pictured). 

Daddy and Janis share a pineapple cocktail

We then went to dinner at Nobu, obviously. I am a celebrity whore. I collect celebrity sightings like Pokemon Cards. We saw Lord Disick and Sofia Richie. We asked the waiter if they were allowed to serve her alcohol because rules don't apply to celebrities and he said no. He also said the Kardashians are always the politest guests, which was nice to hear. 

Note the vein 

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Iconic 

The following day we obviously went to SUR because I can't help myself. I, of course, have been to SUR before, and I always thought the food was pretty good. Today, we went for brunch, which is a recent addition to SUR's repertoire. In short, it was inedible. I think I was served lean cuisine in a bowl. Also, SUR in the daylight is a little off-putting. Of course I'm still going to go. I'll stick to the nighttime. Pump during the day, however, is fabulous. 

We saw Adam when we were there and I wanted to go up to him but I was trying too hard not to vomit from the aforementioned lean cuisine. I did get this hat I've been eyeballing for quite a while. The pink version was sold out online, but thank the good lord it was available in stores, because it looks amazing on me. 

So obviously it’s been like 2 weeks since my birthday and I just have had too much going on and too many cosmos to actually type anything but a drunk text. It’s now Tuesday, April 17th, and I’m sitting in bed re watching last week’s episode of Southern Charm because I can’t get over it. J.D. is the biggest piece of shit on this PLANET. Also, I need something to distract myself because I’m in such a dark place right now. Yesterday I left Coachella and it was the best weekend of my life. I went with a handful of friends and a bunch of people I had only known through Facebook. So obviously, I knew all details about each of them, including but not limited to date of birth, mom’s name, parents’ anniversary, favorite color, etc. Honestly though after this weekend I think I have my bridal party. 

My nearest and dearest

SUR hat, Vanderpump Rosé, and Pump Rules sunglasses gifted to me by Tom Schwarts

It’s crazy that I went into Day 1 of Coachella wreaking of SUR vibes and I walked away to get pizza for 5 minutes and James Kennedy and Raquel walked in. My friend Devon didn’t even REMEMBER meeting him. Not only that, she also met him the week prior. She doesn’t even watch the show. I’m so pissed off. The disrespect. 

At least we ran into Ariana at the grocery store. Then some random idiot tried to tell me it wasn't her. Yeah, okay. Call me when you get some glasses. 

But whatever. Coachella was amazing. Cardi B, Beyonce, Kygo, Eminem, and Destiny's Child were obviously the highlights. 

Devon stage left. Janie stage right. 

Another highlight was everyone's dope ass outfits. Please see below for a few of my favorites. 

Hot friend Helen

Consensual Sexual Jane

A picture of grass

It was sick. We're all sick. And I didn't have a voice for four days. I'm having my wedding here. 

Okay, changing topics. I'm all over the place. I’m starting episode three of Southern Charm as we speak. I’m so fired up about JD and Elizabeth. I CANNOT believe that she was defending him on Twitter. He missed his own children’s birth because he was on so many drugs and she’s asking us to believe that he’s not a piece of garbage? Also, JD needs to cut the victim act. No one is buying it. 

Exhibit A. 

Cameran’s relationship is the only one that works because her husband doesn’t want to be on the show. I respect that. I don't really trust a man who wants to be on reality TV for a plethora of reasons. I think Cameran is so pretty it’s crazy. And she’s a hot pregnant lady too. I look pregnant most of the time but not even close to cute. I don’t really want to go through labor and mess up my toolbox. I’d rather just plan a C section. Apparently that’s not the right thing to do, but that’s what I need. Or a surrogate.

Let us carry on. Marry, shag, kill with Craig, Austen, and Shep. Kill Craig. Shag Shep. Marry Austen. All subpar choices. Shep is neither marriage material nor Shag material but I don’t really want to even be in Craig’s presence. Craig says he gets the same high from sewing that he got from gardening. Okay then. 

Well the JD and Liz interaction was bullshit. They walk in together. Everyone is pissed. Liz tells Naomi to stop and Naomi flips them off. I hope Liz can free herself from the chubby monster that is JD. 

Gross.

He is gross. Go Naomi for verbally destroying him. I have no further words on the subject. And I don't like Thomas's girlfriend. 

Okay. This post is becoming to emotionally draining for me to continue. I'll post about Vanderpump Rules and RHONY later this week. I'm going to bed. Cooper just got back from his fishing trip after spending the past 4 years indoors. He is burnt to a crisp. Glad he's getting himself out there though. 

okay bye. 

I miss Coachella 

The Road to Nowhere

Hello to the losers who still read this. I just want to say I had absolutely no social interaction this past weekend and it was very nice. I had to spend the entire weekend working but I couldn’t bear to make conversation and get dressed up. Also, I don’t really have friends in the great pit of San Fran. Before I began my two-day weekend work binge, I stopped at my neighborhood bar, Aliment, after I got home from Charlotte on Friday night. Side note – I went to Charlotte for work and went to one bar and managed to run into every single freaking person I’ve ever met. And for that reason, I don’t live in Charlotte. Anyway (I originally typed “anyhoo” but swiftly remembered I hate people who say that), I arrived at Aliment, put in my headphones to watch Bravo on my phone, and ordered a plain cheeseburger and a Cosmo. I obviously needed Madame’s Medicine to recover from the hours of small-talk to which I subjected myself in Charlotte. Usually, I can tell a bad Cosmo if it’s a deep red. Then it’s practically a cranberry vodka from an open bar at a Bat Mitzvah. This Cosmo was a bit lighter than usual. I was discouraged, because I was craving my perfect Cosmo pink, but it actually was pretty good. I complimented the bartender and said I was originally skeptical, but I was pleased with the outcome. He asked to pose for a picture for my blog. I actually just went there again tonight and his bartender in training made me a fabulous Cosmo. I think we're all going to be great friends. 

Jose all day <3 

After working nearly twelve hours on Saturday, Cooper and I went to the Alamo Draft House theater, which is my new standard for movie theaters. It comes complete with a full wait staff, cocktail list, and glorious restaurant menu. It is absolute perfection. Prior to the film, we went to the bar inside of the theater, Bear vs. Bull. What a haunting reminder of the financial world in which I currently work. To my dismay, they did not have any cranberry juice so I could not order a Cosmo. Instead, I ordered a spicy margarita. Unfortunately, it was not the same spicy margarita that Tom Sandoval flaunted on this week’s episode of Vanderpump Rules. Although, I do plan to try it when Tom Tom opens in a few months. I think it’s mescal and some chili. Sounds good to me.

My spicy margarita had a lovely chili lime salted rim and came complete with Bird’s eye chili and everclear bitters. I felt the burn and I crave the burn. On my way out, the bartender suggested I order the “Daisy Cosmo” while I’m in the theater. It does not come with cranberry juice, but he promised I’d love it. Oh, I should mention we went to see Thoroughbreds. I thought it was pretty damn good. Nowadays, I just compare everything to The Shape of Water so I’m really not the toughest critic. We sat down and I ordered the Daisy Cosmo and Cooper ordered fried pickles. Disgusting. I do not understand how people like pickles. They smell foul, they look weird, and they taste like ass. I was having a mini stroke about the fact that I’d have to sit next to pickle breath for the next two hours, but my Daisy Cosmo arrived and it was sublime. I want to marry this bartender.

Poor image quality due to dark theater. High drink quality due to bartender.

So, Vanderpump last week. Jeremy Madix got a lot of heat. I can’t comment on whether or not he’s creepy because I’ve only met him briefly when I was at SUR in August. Jeremy did an amazing job of removing this lady who tried to bang down the door from the restaurant to the lounge.

Regardless, I don’t think Tom should have gone postal. Vanderpump this week. Ugh. If my boyfriend treated me like a skid mark and then bought coffee and treats for his hot reiki healer I would pull a Stassi and do the following to my man:

TBT to Stassi sharing her thoughts on Kristen

It’s getting hard to watch Jax and Brittany. I wish I could speak to her other than the few words we once exchanged on Twitter.

THIRSTY

Also, I think the Divorce Closet is a lucrative idea in terms of market share, but also rude. I just Googled Divorce Closet and it doesn’t seem to have gained any traction, however. I do wish Scheana would stop bringing up marriage to Rob. It’s slightly nauseating. I also cringed when Jax told Brittany, “Friends don’t pay the bills.” Okay, psycho. Who does that? Jax is very detached from reality. The best part of the episode was Lala taking Jax to town. I live for Lala.  

Whatever. I cleaned my entire apartment today and it’s truly a miracle. My boyfriend is the world’s biggest slob. He’s lucky he’s hot. I’m currently re-watching Season 4 of Southern Charm. I cannot wait for the new season in just over two weeks. Thank the good lord Landon is no longer. I really couldn’t stand her. Oops, did I say that? Also, I am very relieved that Craig and Naomi have called it quits. In my opinion, if you need to go to a relationship therapist after a few years, it is truly not going to work out in the long run. I do wish I could go to a relationship hypnotist so Cooper would stop leaving Chinese food everywhere. But such is life.

Seeeee ya.

Pharma Bros and Bachelor Woes

Lots to discuss in this post. First, I want to give a shout out to The Tipsy Pig (http://www.thetipsypigsf.com) in San Fran for making me a fantastic cosmo last weekend. I can always tell a good cosmo before it even touches my lips. It’s all about the shade of pink. If it’s red, send it back. If it comes in a tall glass with ice (that happened to me once in Charlotte, NC), send it back. If it looks like the one to the right, sit back and let the smooth sensation trickle down your gullet. They also have amazing burgers and aioli on deck. Unfortunately, this is not a paid advertisement, but an unsolicited endoresement. 

Send it back. (Charlie's in Bay Head, NJ - amazing drinks aside from the Cosmo)

I am so hungover and I only had one glass of wine last night. I guess the amount in the wine glass equates to like 2.5 glasses, but I’m not a scientist. In honor of International Women’s Day, I would like to dedicate this blogpost to Becca K. What a CLASSY lady. She handled her public dumping with such poise. I would have started WWIII. He would not have seen the light of day again. Also, whoever appeared in the finale playing the banjo… hot diggity damn. I really hope she has enough sense to bring him to the fantasy suite whilst she is the Bachelorette. Anyway, I think she really dodged a bullet with Arie. Again, I only watched the two-part finale, but the guy is definitely a closeted serial killer. Also, some information fell into my lap today and Lauren has actually been engaged thrice, not twice as she previously stated. Apparently she stole her ex-fiancé’s dog and money… I also heard that Arie’s last two girlfriends had to hide from him because he’s a psychopath. I saw both nuggets of information in Instagram posts, so who actually knows if it’s true. Since I watch Vanderpump Rules, I have come to believe every single rumor I hear, because it always ends up coming true. Where there’s smoke there’s fire. I’m curious to see how this will play out in the coming months. As Jax Taylor would say, “There’s milk in my fridge that has a longer shelf life.”  

Second, I would like to discuss my encounter with convicted felon, Martin Shkreli. When I was living in New York, I rented an apartment in Murray Hill. It was conveniently close to my office and I do not like commuting. The building was nice and it had a gym and that’s all I really needed. As an added bonus, my building came complete with a man who amassed his fortune at age 29 and infamously raised the price of Daraprim, a drug used to treat various infections and to prevent toxoplasmosis infection in people with HIV, from $13.50 to $750. In 2014, he also raised the price of a kidney drug called Thiola to $30 from $1.50, a 2,000% increase. Shkreli actually was fired from this company, Retrophin, a few weeks after this price increase. After his departure from Retrophin, Shkreli founded Turing Pharmaceuticals, the company that acquired marketing rights to Daraprim and subsequently increased its price.

I had heard of Martin Shkreli first in 2015 when I was interning at a bank and Shkreli was there for a meeting. I remember I was sitting with my boss at the time when Martin walked by. He turned to me and said, “Mark my words. That guy’s going to end up in jail within three years.” I hope he put money on that because he was spot on. Martin was arrested in December 2015 for securities fraud. Essentially, Shkreli lost money for investors at his hedge fund and stole money from Retrophin to repay them. Ultimately, neither the investors nor the shareholders of Retrophin lost money, but fraud is fraud. The rich got richer and the people relying on life-saving medications were victims of price gouging, and they still are. Regardless of the actual convictions, I think we are all aware of the real issue here.

Anyway, after signing my lease in New York, I saw a photo of Martin’s arrest occurred outside of his building, and happened to be the same building I just agreed to live in for the next 12 months. I sent out the following Tweet and actually received a response.

 Our Twitter interactions were often and he slid into my DMs on multiple occasions. I no longer have access to those after he was banned from Twitter for harassing Lauren Duca and subsequently offering $5,000 for a lock of Hillary Clinton’s hair. He obviously has no qualms about saying whatever the hell pops into his head on the internet. Meeting him in person, however, was an entirely different experience. Our encounter was brief and incredibly awkward. We both got into the elevator and he asked if I was Casey. I said yes and extended my hand. He told me he couldn’t shake my hand because he was just coughing into it. At least he was honest about that. It was clear that he created this online persona because he struggled to interact with others in person. 

After I Tweeted about being stranded in Charlotte over the 4th of July, he even offered to send his private jet to come pick me up. I politely declined, but that was probably the only chance I'd ever have to ride on a private jet so a small part of me regrets this. 

In conclusion, I lost 2 juul chargers this week and I am pissed. I even have a handy contraption to charge my juul and other devices at any time and any place. 

Well, tomorrow is Monday. That really sucks. I have to go to Charlotte on Wednesday and I really hate Charlotte. I also hate the Spring Forward portion of daylight savings. Morale is at an all time low. 

Bye. 

A Series of Unfortunate Events

Hello to the six people I force to read this. I’m watching RHONY, of course, to unwind from this awful week. It’s only Tuesday but it feels like the 7th dimension of Hell. Even though I’ve seen this particular episode 12 times, I am still taken aback each and every time my old therapist appears on the screen. Yes, I share a therapist with Tinsley Mortimer. The first time I saw the episode I had my plush sleeping mask on and was listening the show whilst falling asleep. I heard a familiar voice and thought I was dreaming. I took off my sleeping mask and revealed the Truth. I texted him and his response did not disappoint. 

Am I a Real Housewife yet?

Anyway, this morning I watched Vanderpump Rules. I’ve been staring at my computer screen for 20 minutes because I am actually speechless. If delusion were currency, one of the cast members could certainly retire and live a luxurious life. I’m not very pro trashing people on reality T.V. after listening to Olivia Caridi on Stassi’s podcast because the producers can cut people to make them seem crazy. The jury is out in the case, but I would like to give some unsolicited advice: if your man doesn’t say, “I love you,” neither should you. I didn’t even text my boyfriend first for the first five months I knew him. It’s called Attract Tactics,™ladies. As a side note, while I was typing this my mother called me to discuss the same scene I described above. She told me she had to fast forward because it was too painful to watch.

Speaking of the phrase, “I love you,” I also have a lot of thoughts on “The Bachelor.” I’ve been forced to watch the show once or twice by my friends in college, but today I elected to watch the finale on my own. I had heard stories, but wow, what a ride. This guy Arie (a less hot version of Zach Braff) is an idiot. Did he learn NOTHING from Ben Higgins? If the other chick takes him back I have nothing to say. I don’t want to waste any more time on this. I simply am at a loss.

This has been a rough week for me. The Shape of Whatever won Best Picture. I lost the only competition I’d ever thought I’d win. I studied, I analyzed, I criticized all for nothing. After holding a steady first place for the majority of the evening, I lost the Oscar pool.

I knew Get Out only had a small chance of winning, but I had to vote with my heart. The Shape of Shit is an embarrassment. I would like to curse The Academy. I haven't felt such loss since The Office went off the air. 

I'm never competing in anything ever again

Thank the lord I ordered two bottles of wine to watch this shitshow because I needed Madame's Medicine as soon as that god awful movie was announced. I'd like to think that the Acadummy saw my scathing review about its Best Winner and did this just to spite me. 

It's not about the money. It's about the Truth.

To make matters worse, my braindead ass went to get coffee and I left my bag at a table right outside of the shop. I went back to retrieve it a few hours later and of course it was gone. I lost not one, but two, external chargers and a Balenciaga bag. A moment of silence, please. I can't even write anymore. I'm so distraught. Feel free to Venmo me to replace my belongings. I saw that hundreds of people Venmoed the girl who got dumped by the bachelor on national TV, so figured I'd try my luck here. I'll drink to that.

Also, if anyone knows what's wrong with my eye please let me know. I'm getting worried. 

At least my eyelashes look full and boyish 

Bye.

The Shape of Whatever (Not a Post About Ed Sheeran)

Chapter I – What the Actual F*CK

I’ve been dreading this moment for months. One of my New Year’s Resolutions is to watch all best picture nominations before the Oscars, partly because I want to, and partly because my Resolution duties will be over by March 4th. One would think that watching a movie is not a large undertaking, and usually it is not. However, there are a few movie genres I cannot tolerate. On-screen musicals (La-La Land) make my ass twitch and anything related to “fantasy” makes me nauseous. But, I have had a few cocktails and I am ready to watch The Shape of Water. I didn’t even know that water in its liquid form can take shape, but what the hell do I know?

I truly don’t even know what this movie is about. The only thing I know is that the main character has relations with an amphibious looking creature that was probably the aftermath of whatever the hell Monsanto did to the environment. I thought this was adapted from a children’s book but the only family I know who would expose children to this is probably The Duggar Family. I can’t believe this shit is two hours long. Pray for me.

So far, water is the centerpiece of this movie – shocking. It’s making me feel suffocated. There’s also a naked lady in a bath touching herself. I bet my boyfriend regrets refusing to watch this with me now. I’m also unsure of the time period, but judging by Shirley Temple on the television and the dingy ass buildings, I’m going to guess mid-20th century. Unfortunately, the main character, portrayed by Sally Hawkins, is now tap dancing in the hallway. I have a premonition this is going to turn into an on-screen musical at one point or another because I haven’t suffered enough in this lifetime. Regardless, I am one flap heel turn from setting my laptop on fire.

*Disclaimer: I had to Google “tap dance moves” to come up with that little phrase*

I was starting to doze off, but then I noticed that a man waiting at a bus stop next to our heroine is carrying a loose cake. There is no cover on it or anything. This reminds me of the Easter baskets my grandma ships to me annually. It never fails to shock me that each year the box is filled with loose candy. She takes the time to unwrap the individual chocolates, pours jelly beans directly into the box, and sends it to me via UPS. Anyway, I digress…

Real footage

I’m glad to see Octavia Spencer in this. She’s making me feel better about myself at work because I talk all day to anyone who will listen, disinterested or not. I’m wondering when Sally Hawkins is going to encounter her future lover. I keep seeing way too much tap dancing and it’s making me uncomfortable. This movie should actually be called Tap-Dancing with a Side of Hardboiled Eggs. This chick loves hardboiled eggs. I bet the director intentionally chose the hardboiled opportunity, because a cracked egg in a pan does not require water. I never fail to amaze myself with my astute observations.

I must have gotten distracted by the sheer depth of my mind because now I’m witnessing some old disgusting man intimidating Octavia and Sally in a bathroom. He whips it out and starts peeing in a “urinal,” whatever the hell that is, and refuses to wash his hands, because that is apparently a sign of weakness. Okay, Dwight Schrute.  Octavia makes a very good point when she says, “Short men are mean.” The classic Napoleonic complex. I know a few of those.

For your reference and education

Anyway, I think we’re finally getting somewhere. I got distracted but the dude who wouldn’t wash his hands suddenly is down two fingers and there is blood everywhere. Sally jumps at the chance to tend to the mess so she can finally be alone in the room with the overgrown Pokémon. She approaches the fish tank in which he is trapped and they share a brief touch through the glass. It’s like the PG version of Blink 182’s “Feeling This” music video. To my dismay, this forbidden touch piques Sally’s hot curiosity and she swiftly resorts to binge eating to mitigate this insatiable desire to lay with a lizard. 

For your viewing pleasure

It's ironic because they're not actually feeling each other 

Chapter II – Star-Crossed Lovers

 Ah, yes. The return of the hardboiled egg. Sally is back at the indoor SeaW*rld to summon Sméagol with her hardboiled eggs. They make eye contact as she seductively nibbles on her treat. At this point, we have gained insight into Sally’s upbringing. She was sadly abandoned at birth and appears to have scars on her neck. Honestly, I think they are gills. This is obviously some sort of foreshadowing into her future as a sea creature. Talk about Twilight vibes. Girl becomes lover is the new life imitates art.

The fingerless man suddenly reappears, prompting Sally’s departure from her new jail-bait. This dude is going on and on traveling to South America to retrieve Squidward because of its ability to breathe both on land and on sea, which is apparently vital for space travel. I’m pleased to announce that this movie is set during the Cold War. I’m also happy to reference the first paragraph where I shrewdly guessed the time period. This movie is going in way too many different directions and I’m a too many cocktails deep to follow. I’m just done with the hardboiled eggs. That is top 10 most disgusting items one can ingest. To make matters worse, I am now witnessing our protagonist dancing for the reptilian humanoid whilst eating a hardboiled egg. What a cute distraction from the fact that the lizard is a pawn in the Space Race.

I’m beginning to lose steam here. Writing a live reaction is no small task! I’d love to keep rambling, but Sally has successfully freed Rango and the thing is now living in her bathtub, the place she pleasures herself each and every morning. While there were minimal human fatalities during this escape, I am sad to say that Geico Gecko’s older brother ate her cat. Well, I guess there’s nothing that wrong with fewer cats in the world. 

Chapter III – Blatant Bestiality

The moment we’re all scared to say we’re waiting for. The co-star of Alien vs. Predator is standing up in the bathtub and doesn’t appear to have a member. Nevertheless, Sally disrobes in front of him and the rest could end up as a headline on The Daily Mail in one of the bestiality reports. The following day, Octavia notices Sally’s unusually giddy behavior that one typically experiences after engaging in a game of naked Twister. Octavia is not hesitant to ask about what’s on all of our minds: the penis. Apparently, the lizard has an ability to reveal his schlong when needed.  Sally is truly unashamed by her actions. She even smiles when her roommate walks in on them in the throes of love.   

I have officially lost interest. I am more invested whilst watching infomercials. Oh, and she is now singing as the movie transitions into a daydream where she is ballroom dancing with Gollum. And for that reason, I’m out. This is some twisted Beauty and the Beast shit.

By the way, I was right about the gills. You may call me Roger Ebert.

I'm Pretty Easygoing But You Don't Want To Make This Ginger Snap

You’re probably wondering why I’m here. You’re probably thinking I’m late to the blogger world and should have started this ten years ago. Well, guess what? Ten years ago I was an angsty, acne-studded teen reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower and watching Garden State on repeat and now I’m fucking bored. I’ve watched The Real Housewives of New York five times through this year and it’s only February. Also, I have a lot to say. I honestly don’t care if people read this or not, because I just need an online diary so the next time I go to the Apple store and the “genius” dismantles my hard drive I won’t lose every single FREAKING thing I ever wrote down. Although it would be dope if I could get enough foot traffic to attract advertisers so I could quit my job. If you would take a moment to picture the film, The Wolf of Wall Street, I can safely assure you that my job is the exact opposite. Jordan Belfort did a really nice job of lying to the masses because my dumbass thought investment banking would be filled with free food and drinks, strippers, and parties with Jonah Hill.

Anyway. If you’re questioning the title of this blog post, it’s meant to be my Real Housewives tagline. I, unfortunately, am not qualified to be on the Real Housewives. The only way I’d be qualified is if I invented a time machine, traveled back to 2015, and never parted ways with the m*n who drove me insane. I was unhinged. Similar to Kelly Bensimone in season three of RHONY, I was alone on scary island with no friends, but instead of going to sleep, I put on a frighteningly deranged show for those around me for three years. So, yeah. I would have made great reality TV. Now I often think I am the sanest person in the room. Maybe that’s why I love Bravo.

It’s Friday night (even though I am posting this on a Tuesday) and I have recently moved to San Fran for a man. I’m writing San Fran because every person who moves here and pretends to be from here feels the need to correct me. “It’s actually San Francisco. Or SF.” Scram, idiot. I don’t want anyone to think I am actually from here. I left New York and all of my friends and family and although I love the proximity to LA and Vegas, I now have no one to get a drink with after work. I don’t hate myself enough to go to the gym so here I am. I’m watching The Real Housewives of Orange County for the first time and drinking rose alone in bed. I’m on season three and after watching RHONY and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, this shit is painful. It’s set in 2006 and looks like it was filmed on a camcorder. What’s up with this “Slade” man? What a disgrace. I know he’s not on the season I’m currently watching but I googled it and he returns. Fabulous. My New Year’s Resolution was to get through all of the Housewives, but I’m so tempted to just re-watch New York. Why am I even watching this without Dorinda? I also want to skip a few seasons because apparently Vicki Gunvalson helps her boyfriend fake cancer? Good lord lady. How desperate can one be?

I actually never watched reality TV until my best friend and my mom sat me down one day and forced me to watch Vanderpump Rules. They assured me that after I saw it I would be more like Stassi and dump the aforementioned m*n. When I met Stassi I told her this and I swear she teared up. I live and die for Pump Rules. I’ve been to SUR, I’ve eaten meals with Peter, I’ve gone to the premier parties, and I can recite every single episode from memory. Well, I’ve only been to one premier party, but it was the best night of my life. Schwartz gave me his sunglasses, Sandoval served me a drink, Stassi hugged me, and Jax told me he didn’t like clubbing. I cry when I think about it. Now I really wish I had that time machine. 

Pre Faith, Post third nose job 

I wasn't the girl at Bungalow, I swear 

Throwback to this friendship

So, anyway. Enjoy my thoughts. Post mean comments. I'll drink to that.