The Real Charm of an Aspiring Housewife

**I started writing this on my birthday and then I got distracted by life and forgot to keep writing until now so please stay tuned for the past month of my life**

My 2*th birthday was a few weeks ago on April 6th. It also happened to be the last day of my job. Unfortunately, I do have a new job. I have not yet achieved Housewife status. Only time will tell.

What a time to be alive. Also, what a time to start preventative Botox. I spent the weekend in LA, because I couldn't entertain the thought of remaining in San Fran. Although, the night before my birthday I did go to International Smoke (Ayesha Curry's new restaurant) and Steph walked in! Too bad I wasn't in my Davidson gear. Too bad I don't even own any Davidson gear.

We had a lovely brunch at some restaurant. I can't remember the name, but Lauren Bushnell was there so it must be legit. She is my new thinspiration. She is skinny af. It's a restaurant at the hotel where Bungalow is. I don't know. Whatever. They had a lovely pineapple cocktail drink (pictured).

Daddy and Janis share a pineapple cocktail

We then went to dinner at Nobu, obviously. I am a celebrity whore. I collect celebrity sightings like Pokemon Cards. We saw Lord Disick and Sofia Richie. We asked the waiter if they were allowed to serve her alcohol because rules don't apply to celebrities and he said no. He also said the Kardashians are always the politest guests, which was nice to hear.

The following day we obviously went to SUR because I can't help myself. I, of course, have been to SUR before, and I always thought the food was pretty good. Today, we went for brunch, which is a recent addition to SUR's repertoire. In short, it was inedible. I think I was served lean cuisine in a bowl. Also, SUR in the daylight is a little off-putting. Of course I'm still going to go. I'll stick to the nighttime. Pump during the day, however, is fabulous.

We saw Adam when we were there and I wanted to go up to him but I was trying too hard not to vomit from the aforementioned lean cuisine. I did get this hat I've been eyeballing for quite a while. The pink version was sold out online, but thank the good lord it was available in stores, because it looks amazing on me.

So obviously it’s been like 2 weeks since my birthday and I just have had too much going on and too many cosmos to actually type anything but a drunk text. It’s now Tuesday, April 17th, and I’m sitting in bed re watching last week’s episode of Southern Charm because I can’t get over it. J.D. is the biggest piece of shit on this PLANET. Also, I need something to distract myself because I’m in such a dark place right now. Yesterday I left Coachella and it was the best weekend of my life. I went with a handful of friends and a bunch of people I had only known through Facebook. So obviously, I knew all details about each of them, including but not limited to date of birth, mom’s name, parents’ anniversary, favorite color, etc. Honestly though after this weekend I think I have my bridal party.

SUR hat, Vanderpump Rosé, and Pump Rules sunglasses gifted to me by Tom Schwarts

It’s crazy that I went into Day 1 of Coachella wreaking of SUR vibes and I walked away to get pizza for 5 minutes and James Kennedy and Raquel walked in. My friend Devon didn’t even REMEMBER meeting him. Not only that, she also met him the week prior. She doesn’t even watch the show. I’m so pissed off. The disrespect.

At least we ran into Ariana at the grocery store. Then some random idiot tried to tell me it wasn't her. Yeah, okay. Call me when you get some glasses.

But whatever. Coachella was amazing. Cardi B, Beyonce, Kygo, Eminem, and Destiny's Child were obviously the highlights.

Another highlight was everyone's dope ass outfits. Please see below for a few of my favorites.

It was sick. We're all sick. And I didn't have a voice for four days. I'm having my wedding here.

Okay, changing topics. I'm all over the place. I’m starting episode three of Southern Charm as we speak. I’m so fired up about JD and Elizabeth. I CANNOT believe that she was defending him on Twitter. He missed his own children’s birth because he was on so many drugs and she’s asking us to believe that he’s not a piece of garbage? Also, JD needs to cut the victim act. No one is buying it.

Cameran’s relationship is the only one that works because her husband doesn’t want to be on the show. I respect that. I don't really trust a man who wants to be on reality TV for a plethora of reasons. I think Cameran is so pretty it’s crazy. And she’s a hot pregnant lady too. I look pregnant most of the time but not even close to cute. I don’t really want to go through labor and mess up my toolbox. I’d rather just plan a C section. Apparently that’s not the right thing to do, but that’s what I need. Or a surrogate.

Let us carry on. Marry, shag, kill with Craig, Austen, and Shep. Kill Craig. Shag Shep. Marry Austen. All subpar choices. Shep is neither marriage material nor Shag material but I don’t really want to even be in Craig’s presence. Craig says he gets the same high from sewing that he got from gardening. Okay then.

Southern-Charm-Season-5-Craig-Conover-Sewing-Bravo-TV-.jpg

Well the JD and Liz interaction was bullshit. They walk in together. Everyone is pissed. Liz tells Naomi to stop and Naomi flips them off. I hope Liz can free herself from the chubby monster that is JD.

He is gross. Go Naomi for verbally destroying him. I have no further words on the subject. And I don't like Thomas's girlfriend.

Okay. This post is becoming to emotionally draining for me to continue. I'll post about Vanderpump Rules and RHONY later this week. I'm going to bed. Cooper just got back from his fishing trip after spending the past 4 years indoors. He is burnt to a crisp. Glad he's getting himself out there though.

okay bye.